It’s been almost six months since I sold my van, said goodbye to vanlife and returned to a more normal life in Auckland. Of course, I still don’t have a fixed home, I move house every few weeks, and I still work as a freelancer, so it’s probably not exactly a normal life. But compared to travelling the country in a camper, it seems pretty average – and kind of boring.

I have to admit that the transition hasn’t been easy.

In hindsight, I think I didn’t really consider what a big step selling the van would be. At the time, I thought of it as giving up a lifestyle. But as I’ve realised since it was much more than that. Over almost five years, vanlife had become such a huge part of my identity that I don’t really know anymore who I am when I’m not living and travelling in a van.

I didn’t notice it at first. It was winter, and I had been housesitting a lot over the previous few winters, so it felt normal. I also spent a lot of time working on a book about the last five years, which kept me emotionally connected to vanlife. Living in a tiny house for two months also helped, as I loved the experience.

But as autumn turned into summer, I started to struggle more and more. I’m still part of many vanlife-related Facebook groups, and seeing everyone post about their travels and adventures gave me major FOMO. I started to miss that life so much!

What I miss most is how effortlessly exciting life was during those years.

Seeing so many unique places and exploring new parts of the country every day meant life was exciting without having to do much other than getting up in the morning and stepping outside my van.

Now I spend most of my days working. I have a lot of meetings, so days when I could go kitesurfing whenever I wanted and then catch up on work at other times are over. I go for walks around comparatively dull neighbourhoods or along familiar beaches. Cycling along Auckland’s busy roads is outright depressing (and dangerous) compared to the incredible cycle trails on the South Island. The wet weather plaguing Auckland since May last year hasn’t helped either.

It’s not like life post vanlife is all bad. It’s just that the last five years were so amazing that anything else seems pretty dull in comparison.

And turns out that after travelling for so long on my own without hardly ever feeling lonely, being back is unexpectedly lonely.

When I decided to sell the van and come back to Auckland, one of the reasons was that I wanted to be closer to my friends. It’s been great seeing friends more – but it’s also been hard. The reality is that things have changed a lot in the years I was gone. Almost everyone has families now. Their lives and priorities are so different from what they were five or six years ago (and what mine still are).

I knew that, of course. But somehow, I didn’t realise how challenging I would find it until I was back here.

I knew friends would have less time. I was prepared for that, and as someone who likes doing her own thing a lot of the time anyway, that part doesn’t bother me. But, somehow, I wasn’t prepared for how much I would feel like I don’t truly belong anymore.

Everyone’s lives have changed so much, but they have all changed in similar ways. They have all gone through a similar transition from carefree singles to being married and now parents. I often feel like they all get each other and, in a way, are closer than ever because they share these experiences. Meanwhile, I’ve been off living a completely different life. And now I’m back, and I can’t help but feel like I don’t really fit in anymore.

It’s not their fault. It’s not my fault, either. It’s just a consequence of the decisions I made.

I don’t regret any of it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t tough sometimes.

On top of all that, I’ve been struggling with gut and digestive issues and was pretty unwell over the first couple of weeks of 2023. I’m better now, but with everything going on, I was in a pretty dark place for a couple of weeks.

It kind of all came crashing down on me in a perfect storm.

So, maybe it’s all a sign that I should return to vanlife?

Trust me, I’ve thought about it more than once. I’ve even been looking at campers online a few times. It’s tempting. But then I remind myself that I stopped vanlife for a reason.

I stopped because I wanted more stability. I wanted to feel more connected to people. I wanted to get involved in a community. I wanted to not live in public spaces all the time anymore. Those things are all still valid, and I feel like I owe it to myself to put more effort into making it happen before I give up.

I think the mistake I made is that I assumed I would automatically have all of that when I returned to Auckland. Naively, I thought I could return to the life I had before vanlife, but turns out that life is no longer there.

In addition, I have come to realise that I don’t like living in Auckland. It’s too busy and crowded – and don’t even get me started on the traffic.

What I need, I realised, is a fresh start.

So, I’ve decided to move to Nelson. Why Nelson? Well, why not!

To be honest, Nelson kind of found me, rather than me choosing it. For a long time now, I’ve wanted to spend a winter on the South Island. So when I was offered an opportunity to housesit in Nelson for three months starting in May, I jumped at it. And once I realised I don’t want to stay in Auckland, I figured if I’m already in Nelson for three months, I might as well stay and try to build a life there.

I think the size of Nelson will suit me. It’s much smaller than Auckland but still big enough to have everything you need and enough people that it should be possible to make new friends. But really, it’s the area around Nelson that I’m most excited about: Abel Tasman, Golden Bay, French Pass, Nelson Lakes, the West Coast… They are all within daytrip distance. So many amazing places to explore!

So that’s my new plan. I will move to Nelson in May, housesit for three months and then find a rental. I will give staying put a real try in a place where I can see myself living long-term. I will put effort into meeting new people and getting involved in the community.

And, hey, if it turns out that I really don’t like staying put, I can always get a camper again and hit the road. But at least then, I can tell myself that I’ve genuinely given it a go.