Life has been hard lately! 

There, I said it. I feel bad even just typing this because I know that, in the grand scheme of things, I’m very much one of the lucky ones. I have a job. I’m safe and secure. I have food on the table. I have good friends. I live in one of the safest, kindest and most beautiful countries in the world. My problem? I’ve got too much work. 

I can see people rolling their eyes at me saying this. People who have lost their jobs and struggle to find work probably want to give me a kick in the butt right now – and rightly so! 

I know I don’t have any right to complain.

But knowing that isn’t helping. Because, even though I know I have no right to complain, life has been harder lately. Happiness hasn’t come as easy as it usually does these days. That’s the fact whether it is justified or not. 

I miss that feeling of lightness and freedom. I miss feeling authentic and in-tune with life. I miss that feeling of being exactly who I am meant to be, doing exactly what I was meant to be doing. I miss feeling real. 

And that’s the problem. Yes, I feel stressed because I have a lot of work to get through – and have high expectations in myself to do it really well. Yes, I don’t have/take the time to enjoy life. Yes, I spend too much time in front of the computer instead of being out in nature. 

But the actual problem is that I don’t feel real anymore. 

Every fibre in my body knows that, right now, I’m not living life the way I should. I’m not who I am supposed to be. It’s like I’ve taken a wrong turn in life. And I know it! And yet I’m not turning around. 

Why? Because a part of me buys into the idea that I need to be smart. That I need to save and plan for my financial future. That this is a phase and, while it’s hard right now, the benefits will be worth it in the future.

But even as I write this, I don’t know if it’s really what I believe or if it is what I’ve been brainwashed to think by society. 

Yes, financial security is great. But at what price? How much money do I really need to be happy? How much sacrifice is worth it, and how much is too much? 

And that’s my problem. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know which path is the right one. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions. And it’s me who’s doing the pulling. 

I want to throw it all in and just go back to enjoying my freedom. But I worry that I will regret it in the future – and even if I wanted to, I can’t right now. I’ve made commitments to people and I don’t want to let them down because that wouldn’t be ‘me’ either. I want to wholeheartedly buy into the idea that working and earning more is the right thing and feel grateful for the fact that I have these opportunities. But I can’t fully get myself to believe it. 

It’s the age-old brain vs heart battle. 

And as I write this, I know where the answer lies: balance! Healthy middle-ground! 

Unfortunately, that’s something I’ve never been good at. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person. But I also know that figuring out how to have a more balanced life is probably one of the best things I could do for myself – for right now and the long-run. 

So there is my challenge to myself: Find out how to have a more balanced life. 

Figure out how to be smart and sensible while still being real and authentic. Figure out how to work a lot without working too much. Figure out how to deliver the work I’ve committed, at the level I strive for, while still putting my happiness first. 

If anyone has any tips on the topic, recommendations for books to read, podcasts to listen to or any other advice, please let me know :)