A Year of Making Friends and Building Community

Last Sunday evening, I fell onto my couch, exhausted after a weekend of hiking. But while my body was shattered, my soul was full. I had spent the weekend hiking with three “friends” near Hanmer Springs and had the best time. I say “friends” because three days earlier, I had never met these people. Yet, after 36 hours in the bush together, they felt like friends.

As I sat there, tired but too energised to sleep, something occurred to me. I had friends in Christchurch. Lots of them!

If I wanted to find someone to go to an event with, I could think of at least a dozen people I could ask. If I were to throw a big party, there are over 40 people here in Christchurch alone I would invite. Not that I’m one for big parties… ;)

I don’t think I’ve ever had that many people in my life I considered friends. And the crazy thing is, I didn’t know any of them a year ago.

A year ago, I decided to hang up my nomadic boots for a while to put down roots here in Christchurch. The number one reason was that I had started to feel increasingly disconnected. Being constantly on the move for over six years had resulted in many acquaintances but few friends. I missed feeling connected to a community. I missed belonging somewhere.

So I settled in Christchurch with one big goal: Make friends and build a community for myself.

Looking back now, I’m incredibly proud of how well I’ve done with that. I am extremely grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life now, including some who make me feel like we’ve known each other for years, not just a few months.

In many ways, I find it surprising how well I did. Making friends has never come easy to me. It’s always taken me a long time to feel comfortable with new people, and in the past, I have often struggled to make new friends.

What’s been different this year?

I’ve thought a lot about that this past week. Making friends as an adult is generally considered hard – and I’m not particularly good at it at the best of times. So, how did I do so well this year?

In a nutshell, the answer is simple: I put in the effort!

However, the more I thought about it, the more I realised there is maybe a little bit more to it than that.

I’ve heard many other adults talk about wanting to make new friends and how hard they are finding it, so I thought I’d share what worked for me. Maybe it will help others on their journey to making new friends.

Reflecting on the past year, I identified seven things that I feel have helped me to go from knowing hardly anyone in Christchurch to feeling connected and surrounded by friends. Here they are.  

1. I joined existing groups

If I think about all the new friends I made this year, it’s hard to miss the fact that almost all of them are connected to two/three existing groups that I enjoyed.

There is the daily swimming group. Every morning, a bunch of people meet at the beach for hugs, laughs and a dip in the ocean. I joined in June or July after a friend I had made on the campground invited me. It didn’t take long for me to get “addicted” and show up every morning – except Sundays, which are for sleeping in and lazy mornings ;)

The second group is the childfree community here in Christchurch. I found them on Facebook, went to a meetup, and have been in touch with some members ever since.

The women I went hiking with last weekend are also an existing group that has been hiking together for several years. I’ve already got the next trip planned with them, so I think, in a couple of months, I will count them as a third group I joined that has led to new friends.

It would have taken me a long time to build up groups like these and the level of connection and community they offer on my own. So I think one trick to making new friends fast is to find an existing group of like-minded people and join in.  

2. I showed up. Again and again! Even when it was uncomfortable.

Maybe the most valuable thing I did this year – and that makes this year different from others – is that I showed up. Again and again. Even when it was uncomfortable or challenging.

I showed up for swimming five or six days a week. I’ve shown up to social gatherings and networking events when, in the past, I often would have found excuses not to go because I find them hard and draining (especially when I don’t know the people well yet).

I continuously made an effort to reach out to people I connected with. I said “yes” to most (but not all!) things I was invited to and at the same time asked them along to things I was doing. I went to dinners where I only knew one other person, went kayaking with a new friend I barely knew and reached out to suggest walks and coffee catchups.

Last weekend, I showed up for a hike with three women I had never met before. One of them posted in a Facebook group about the trip and invited everyone to join. A part of me thought it would be crazy (and scary) to go hiking with people I never met. But the other part of me said: “You want hiking friends. Here is your chance. Do it!.” I’m glad I listened, and I already have the next trip planned with the same group next weekend.

There are two lessons here for me. Firstly, making friends required showing up repeatedly. Meeting someone once doesn’t make them a friend, no matter how much we might have in common. It’s showing up over and over again that builds friendship. Secondly, making friends requires stepping out of our comfort zone at times and showing up even when it’s uncomfortable or a bit scary.

3. I was proactive

I’ve already hinted at it above, but another thing that was different this year is that I was proactive about making friends, and I put myself out there more.

I reached out to people I felt could become friends and suggested catching up again. I suggested becoming pen pals with a woman in Dunedin who I connected with via email (I LOVE having a pen pal again!!).

I also created a Facebook group to try and connect with like-minded outdoor enthusiasts. The group is called Unfit Adventurers and is for people who want to have fun outdoors but want to do so at a slower pace and without any ambition to set speed records. The group has over 50 members now. I’ve organised a few walks already, which has connected me to some super cool people, and I’m looking forward to many more adventures together now that summer is here.

Right now, I’m organising a camping trip with some friends from the swimming group after a few casually mentioned they might be keen.

I think doing things like that proactively has really helped me form and deepen friendships this year.

4. I was open-minded and flexible (most of the time)

I think it’s human nature to gravitate towards people like us. It’s feels familiar and safe. I also think it’s easy to dismiss someone as a potential friend because, at first glance, we don’t have much in common. I’ve certainly been guilty of that in the past.

This year, I made a conscious effort to be open-minded and flexible. I’m not going to lie; I found that tricky at times. More than once, I had to tune out the voice in my head that said, “I’m wasting my time. I have nothing in common with this person.” But I’ll tell you what: I’m glad I managed to do so most of the time.

Doing so has resulted in the group of friends I have now not only being the biggest I’ve ever had but also the most diverse. I absolutely love having friends of all ages and walks of life. From world travellers in their 30s to people my age to friends approaching retirement age. There are couples, singles and families with professions ranging from office workers to doctors, teachers, stay-at-home parents, nurses, and everything in between. Some are Kiwis, while others are from all corners of the world. Some love the outdoors like I do, while others are more interested in fashion or fine dining.

I absolutely love this diverse group of friends, and being open-minded and flexible is a key reason I have that.

5. I let my guard down (slowly)

Real connection comes from showing weakness and vulnerability. I’ve heard lots of different people talk and write about that concept, from Brené Brown to various guests on Steven Bartlett’s Dairy of a CEO podcast (one of my favourite Podcasts).

After my own experience this year, I wholeheartedly agree. It can be scary to let people see beyond the strong façade, especially when you don’t know them very well yet. But this year, I made an effort to let people in. I made an effort to show vulnerability, to be genuine and honest about who I am – including the things I’m not good at or don’t like about myself. It’s definitely made me feel more connected to people. And the people I feel the most connected with are those who reciprocate and also show vulnerability at times.

Of course, this is a balancing act and letting my guard down happens slowly over time. I don’t share all my deepest and darkest secrets with anyone I just met. However, I’ve found that being more open and honest has helped me make friends and form deeper connections this year.  

6. I prioritised making friends

If you would ask me for ONE (and only one) tip for making friends as an adult, I would say: “You have to make it a priority”.

In a way, you could summarise the first four points as exactly that. I prioritised making friends this year and allocated the required amount of time and energy to it.

I think one of the key reasons why making friends is easier as a child or a young adult is because it’s so much easier to find the time and energy for it. Most children and young people naturally meet like-minded people in their everyday lives at school or university or through hobbies. There is also often a lot more time and opportunity to connect through play and fun.

For most adults, life is incredibly busy. We might naturally meet people through work, hobbies or kids (for those who have them), but there is a lot less natural opportunity to connect and bond – and making time for it can be hard with a million other things on the to-do list.

The reality is that making friends takes time and effort. For most adults, it’s much harder to make that time and effort because of the many other responsibilities. But I don’t think there is a shortcut to making friends. My advice to anyone wanting to make new friends would be to find a way to make it a priority. And yes, I realise that can be easier said than done. 

7. I stayed true to myself

As I was writing this, some of it felt a little off. I was worried that parts sounded a bit like I had somehow changed from an introvert who needs lots of alone time to someone who is super social and says yes to everything.

That is definitely not the case! As much as I put effort into being more open and making new friends, I also made sure I stayed true to myself. I politely declined invitations to things that were just not me (like party nights out in town) and ensured I still had plenty of time for myself.

This weekend is the perfect example. I had a social weekend last week and already know next weekend will be filled with people, too. So for this weekend, I haven’t committed to anything. I said “maybe” when possible and “no, thank you” to things that required a firm response. I know having downtime like this is critical for me to feel energised and be my best self.  

If you’ve been on this journey with me for a while, you probably know I’m a big believer in individuality and figuring out what works for you instead of following one-size-fits-all advice. I definitely feel like that applies to making friends, too. No one approach or set of tips will work the same for everyone. I think the most important part is being true to ourselves – while still pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zone at times. Different people make friends in different ways!

The conclusion of all this: After a year, Christchurch – more specifically South Brighton – feels like home! It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this settled and connected to a place, and I’m loving it!

Special thanks to the many new friends who have come into my life this year. Having a place that feels like home again after so many years means a lot to me and you are what makes Christchurch home! xx

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