Growing Self-Love: Letting go of all the Things I’ll Never Be
If you've read my last blog post, you know that one of my goals for this year is to work on self-love. But when I set that intention, I didn't really know how I would go about it – or even what 'more self-love' would look and feel like.
So when I had a few quiet moments during my New Year's holiday on Great Barrier Island, I grabbed pen and paper and wrote at the top of the page "What does self-love mean to me?"
The first thing that came to mind was “True acceptance of who I am”.
I generally think I'm someone who has a very high level of self-awareness. Thanks to all the reading, analysing, learning and thinking I've done on the topic over the years, I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am and who I’m not. As I thought about it, I also felt like, for the most part, I'm pretty good at accepting who I am. Yes, there are things I don't like about myself, but there are many more that I do like – and I understand that the good and bad often go hand in hand so, chances are, there will always be some things I don't entirely like about myself. But I don't think that stops me from truly accepting who I am and loving myself.
So maybe I already truly accept myself for who I am?
I put it to the test. I sat in my van and said out loud to myself; “I truly and fully accept and love myself for who I am!”
Nope, somehow it didn’t feel quite right.
It’s not that I don’t believe it at all – I think I’m about 85% there. So the question became, where am I going to find the remaining 15%?
As so often, the answer came to me as I was reading a book.
I finally got around to reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. It's one of those books that has been in the top five of my reading list for years, but somehow it never made it to the very top – there was always another book I wanted to read first. But after two people mentioned it recently when I told them about my book, I felt it was time.
The Happiness Project is Gretchen’s account of how she devoted a year of her life to finding ways to be happier. It reads a bit like a journal and, while not very scientific, it’s full of inspirational ideas and insights.
Gretchen picks themes for each month, and in May, she focused on having more fun. She works on several things throughout the month to bring more fun into her life, including trying new things.
There is one specific section in this chapter that helped me realise where the missing 15% of me truly accepting myself for who I am will come from.
Towards the end of the chapter, Gretchen points out that knowing herself well and knowing what is fun for her came with a sense of sadness. She felt sad because it also made her realise all the things she’ll never be. Knowing what is fun for her meant accepting that many things she felt ‘should’ be fun aren't and that she will never be certain things – not because she can't but because she doesn't really want to.
I had a bit of a light-bulb moment when reading this.
I am truly accepting who I am. But that doesn’t stop me from having a picture in my head of what else I would love to be or what else I think I should be. It’s not about being someone different but about being everything I am AND MORE.
In other words, I don’t have a problem with who I am, but I like the idea of being more. However, apparently not enough to make it a priority in my life.
There are lots of things I would like to be or do in theory, but when it comes down to it, I don’t REALLY enjoy them.
I would love to be someone who gets value out of meditating every day, but somehow it doesn't work for me. I would love to be an amazing surfer, but I don’t like crowds (and good surf is almost always crowded), so I don't go out enough to get better. I would love to enjoy reading challenging, classic books, but whenever I try, it feels more like a chore than fun. I would love to enjoy socialising and parties, but at the end of the day, I enjoy staying home on my own more. I would love to be someone who just finds a partner and settles down, but I like my freedom and independence more. I would love to be a size 8 (or maybe 10), but the sacrifices required to achieve that would take a lot of fun out of my life. I would love to enjoy running, but I just don’t. I would love to enjoy meeting new people and making new friends, but most of the time when I have the opportunity, I choose not to.
These are all things that I could be! It's not like I don't have the ability or opportunity to become or do them. The only reason I'm not is that I choose not to. The reason I'm none of those things is that most days, I choose to be and do what makes me truly happy and not what I need to do to be that dream version of myself that I have in my head.
And yet, I often feel guilty for not being these things. I often feel like I should just try harder.
All of this made me realise that self-awareness and acceptance of who I am are only the first steps towards true self-love. The other step that is just as important is accepting who I’m NOT and letting go of who I will never be.
So as I write this, I’m pledging to myself that my first action towards my goal of growing self-love this year will be to let go of all the things I’ll never be. Not because I can’t be them, but because I understand that they won’t really make me any happier in the grand scheme of things.
If I want to truly love myself, I need to let go of who I would love to be and who I think I should be, and just be me.
I need to let go of the idea that I’ll ever be an amazing surfer and instead have fun catching little waves or do other things when I don't feel like surfing – no matter how good the forecast might be. I need to let go of the idea that I'll ever be a size eight and instead focus on being healthy and fit, knowing that's what truly makes me happy. I need to let go of the dream of being miss-popular with lots of friends and social engagements and instead focus on how lucky I am to be someone who gets so much joy and happiness simply from spending time alone. I need to let go of the idea that I would be happier if I could be more bubbly and make new friends faster and instead focus on how much happiness I get from the friendships I have – partly because they formed slowly, over time.
Just thinking about this and writing it down feels liberating. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I never realised how much pressure those versions of myself, that I would love to be or think I should be, have put on me and how much they have been getting in the way of accepting and loving who I truly am. It feels great to give myself permission to let go of all of that and focus on just being me instead.
However, letting go of all the things I'll never be doesn't mean that I'll become complacent and not challenge myself anymore. I want to keep growing and keep learning new things. But I want to be free to do so by focusing on who I truly am and the things that genuinely make me happy – not the things I would love to be in some perfect dream world.