Let's Talk About the C-Word. No, not That One…

When I started this blog almost four years ago, I deliberately picked a name that wasn’t about vanlife. While that's what I was about to do, I always knew I wanted to write about more than that.

This blog was always – and still is – about exploring and sharing what it's like to follow an unusual, less common path in life. Four years ago, I set out to explore what life has to offer when you don't want to follow the traditional path around work, marriage, mortgages and kids – and since I love to write, I started a blog to share my experiences.

Vanlife is what I do right now. I don’t think I will live in a van for the rest of my life, but I’m pretty sure I will continue living off the beaten track in some shape or form. However, naturally, a lot of my writing so far has been about vanlife, solo travel and the nomad lifestyle.

There is another aspect to my Life Done Differently that I haven't talked about much yet, and I want to change that.

I think it's time to start talking more about the C-word. Children!

A few weeks ago, I was lucky to meet up with a fellow solo traveller. She had been following my blog for a while, recognised my van and came over to say hello. We had a great chat about our lifestyle and the choices we had made. We also talked about kids and my decision not to have any.

At some point, she said she found it interesting that I seem to have pretty well thought through opinions on the topic, and yet I had never really shared any of them on my blog.

That made me think. Why hadn't I written more about the childfree aspect of my Life Done Differently?

The truth is, it's a topic I'm a bit scared of.

I know it can be a very sensitive topic for some, and I'm scared of hurting or offending anyone. I'm afraid of being misunderstood as someone who is just selfish or hates kids. I'm a bit worried about alienating – or even worse, hurting – all my amazing friends who did choose to have kids. I'm concerned about what reading this might do to someone who really wants to have kids but can't, for whatever reason – or all those people who have tragically lost children.

It's a topic loaded with emotions, and no matter what you say about it, there is a good chance that someone will be hurt, offended or alienated.

So why did I decide to start writing about it now?

Because I think we really need more people out there talking about this choice. And I want to do my part.

I specifically say “talk about this choice" because, for me, that is the part worth talking about. I don't want to start a discussion about whether having kids is right or wrong or whether people with or without kids are happier.

I simply want to bring attention to the fact that there is a choice! And that all options are equally acceptable.

I find it really interesting that it is perfectly normal and acceptable for people to question the choice of not having children.

I have been lucky in that most people in my life have simply accepted my choice. I've only experienced very few situations in which I felt seriously pressured or challenged on that topic. But there have been some – and I know many other people (especially women) haven’t been as lucky as me. Many childfree people constantly have to justify their choice.

The most vivid memory I have is a conversation with a random stranger I happened to be sitting next to in a café. We were the only two customers in the small café, so we started chatting. I told her about my lifestyle, and she thought it was terrific. But then she said something along the lines of "what a great thing to do before you get married, settle down and have kids." I told her that I wasn't planning to follow that path in life, which she clearly found hard to believe. She wasn't unfriendly about it, mainly just curious. She asked questions like “why would you not want kids, they bring so much joy?” and “don’t you worry you will regret that choice?”.

This is the most vivid example I can remember, but there have been other similar situations, and I know many childfree people (especially woman) often also find themselves confronted with these questions.

In my example, it was coming from a very friendly woman who clearly meant no harm. Luckily, I’m not sensitive about the topic and was happy to explain my reasons to her. But I remember thinking afterwards how weird it is that it is common and perfectly acceptable to ask a stranger about their choice not to have children.

Imagine anyone asking a stranger (or even a friend or relative) questions like “why would you want kids when they cause so much work?” or “aren’t you worried you will regret having kids?” or how about “don’t you miss all that time and freedom you used to have?”

No one with half-decent social skills would ask questions like that. It's just not acceptable.

But isn’t that the wrong way around?

Shouldn’t choosing to HAVE kids be the big deal and the decision that needs to be justified?

Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand and believe that having children is what most people truly want and what brings them happiness. But it is a huge decision. You’re taking on responsibility for another human being. You are responsibly for caring for them, supporting them financially and raising them to be decent human beings. I don’t think that parents have to give up their whole lives for their children, but I do believe that being a good parent means putting someone else's needs ahead of (or at least equal to) your own. You can't try out having a kid. You can't change your mind. You can't return it when it doesn't work out.

Having children is maybe the last genuinely permanent and irreversible decision left in our lives.

And yet it’s those of us who choose NOT to have them that have to justify their choice?

I think this is a symptom of an underlying issue in our society. Not having children is often a deliberate choice, but having children is often something that happens on auto-pilot – the automatic next step in a series of automatic steps called life.

Wouldn’t everyone be better off if we had more – and louder – conversations about both sides of this choice?

If we would raise more awareness for the fact that there is a choice? I’m more than happy to talk about my decision not to have children. I’m happy to answer questions and explain my reasons (within reason, of course). But shouldn’t we ask those same questions of people who do want kids?

Wouldn’t everyone (especially the children – born and unborn) benefit from more conversations around the challenges that come with parenthood? Wouldn’t everyone benefit from putting a lot of deliberate thought into the decision to have kids? To have to justify it – even if it’s just to themselves?

I want to end this post by saying this: I don't hate kids. Lots of my friends have children, and I love them. Yes, I feel a bit awkward around them sometimes and don't quite know what to do with them half the time, but I've been told that's normal even for women who have spent their whole life dreaming of having kids. Having children is a beautiful thing, and I don't want to deny anyone the right to have kids.

All I’m saying is that I think a lot of good would come from making the decision to have children as much a deliberate and questioned choice as the decision not to have kids already is.

And if that's not going to work, then let's at least stop asking childfree people to justify their decision when they are clearly making the less risky, less permanent choice.