Maybe I should roll the dice

Something a bit different. I journal everyday in the morning. Today, I wrote the below. It’s a bit random, a bit weird and a bit messy – and a perfect reflection of where my head is at these days. So I thought I’d share it :)

I’m floating. Aimlessly.

I’m drifting around without a goal or destinations.

Or maybe I’m free-falling?

No, I don’t think I’m falling. Just floating.

Everything is OK. Nothing is bad. But nothing is really great either.

How do I make life great again?

Maybe life doesn’t need to be great?

Maybe the key is to accept that life isn’t great.

Maybe life is just average most of the time, with some great moments?

Sometimes, I wish I could believe that.

Everything would be easier if I could just accept that life is mediocre and be OK with that.

But I can’t. And most of the time, I don’t really want to.

Maybe the problem is that I’ve been trying to do that - accept mediocrity and be happy.

But I don’t want an average life. I want an exciting life.

I want purpose, meaning, goals. A mission.

I want that feeling of achieving something meaningful.

I want big and bold - in a quiet and calm kind of way.

Maybe I’m not floating.

Maybe I’m trying to squeeze myself into a box that’s just too small. Too normal.

If only I could figure out what I really want right now. What I really need.

I dream of settling down and building a community. And 10 seconds later I dream of returning to a life of adventure and travel.

I dream of belonging somewhere. And 10 seconds later a dream of roaming free without any attachments.

I dream of taking the next step in my marketing career, stepping up and pursuing business success. And 10 seconds later I dream of leaving that world completely to be a full time writer. Or maybe starting a different career altogether.

I’m torn between these dreams.

And so I keep dreaming and do nothing.

Floating aimlessly, while simultaneously stuck in a box that’s too small.

Should I just pick a dream and commit?

Maybe roll the dice and let fate decide?

Should I try to get it all at once?

Or maybe I should just admit to myself that what I want most is the riskiest.

Maybe all the other dreams are just there because going after what I want most is scary. A dream unlikely to ever come true.

Or maybe none of them are right. Maybe I feel lost because I haven’t found the right dream yet. And when I do, everything will fall into place - just like it did last time.

But maybe I should just roll the dice. Let fate decide.

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